Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate
Embrace". Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs
home and starts to tell his mother excitedtly:
"MOMMY MOMMY, I WAS AT THE
PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I
was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back
to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt,
then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting
story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story, Johnny starts his story,
describing following the car into the woods, seeing the undressing, laying down on the
seat, and."...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used
to do when Daddy was in the army."
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought
it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
"O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four
syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some
cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that
away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go
outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to
"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll
play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.
He puts on his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a
cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner
of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid
some ice cream!"
Little Johnny was sitting at the top of his stairs with his cat one day eating
smarties. He would eat a smartie, bite the cat, and move down a stair.
His dad saw this and watched him do it a couple of more times.
The kid would eat a smartie, bite the cat, and move down a step.
He watched his son do this one more time and he finally had to ask him what he was
He said, "Son, you eat a smartie, bite the cat and move down a step. What are you
His son said, "I'm practicing to be a truck driver."
His father said, "What do you mean?"
Son said, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on."
Dirty Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any
attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how
many are left?" asks the teacher.
Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise
is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like
the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an
ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking
on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I
guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I
like the way you're thinking!"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of
a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the
opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have
"NO" replied mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends:
"It's okay we can play that game again!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go the
bathroom. He yelled out "Miss Jones I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now Johnny that is NOT the proper word to use in the
situation. The correct word you want is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence
correctly and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says " You're an eight but if you had bigger
tits, you'd be a ten!"
One day during a lesson on proper grammar the teacher asked for a show of hands for who
could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on
little Suzie,who responded with "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she
looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully" he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher called on Little Johnny
"Last night at the dinner table my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said Beautiful Fucking Beautiful."
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom
and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man"!
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into the bedroom
he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!.
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we
will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a
story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited
to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched"
Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"
Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched"
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle
basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke"
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny was the only one with his hand up, so reluctantly, the teacher finally
called on him.
Little Johnny: " Ya teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the
Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of
beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and
killed ten of them with her knife."
Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons
through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably
calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit 'em
out! They're assholes!"